Brief static hits the screen before the words “What have you done today to make you #belikekendrix?” appear on our screen to the sounds of ‘Let ‘em come’ by Scroobius Pip.
The background and title quickly alternate between black and red filler. Cutting out to another round of brief static, Kendrix comes into view. Dressed casually in jeans, timberland boots and wearing a tight fitting black t-shirt with the words “#freemikeyunlikely” splashed across it he is standing to the left of our screen in front of a UTA backdrop with a huge smile on his face.
To his right, we see a TV screen simply portraying a slide stating “What have you done today to make you #belikekendrix?”. Walking towards the camera with a remote control in his hand he opens his arms out wide in a presentable fashion;
Kendrix: Listen, Yeah...welcome to the very first episode of What have you done today to make you hashtag be like Kendrix.
He brings the first two fingers of each hand across each other to signify the hashtag sign;
Kendrix: The show where JFK provides you...the masses of Ungratefuls sitting at home on your fat arses...with actual pieces of genius, motivational and inspirational words to get you off of your couches…
Stopping mid sentence he scratches his head in thought for a moment;
Kendrix: Or buckets whatever you guys like to sit on...and out into the big bad world and become a success...like yours truly.
He taps his chest with both hands as he tilts his head slightly with a modest look on his face;
Kendrix: Now, JFK knows what you’re all thinking…”but I see inspirational quotes posted on social media streams everyday, this guy is wasting my time”
He says the above words with his arms out wide by the side of his head, palms facing the camera while providing his viewers with a terrible, terrible red neck American southern accent before wagging his index finger at the camera;
Kendrix: Oh no people. Unlike you inbreds, JFK knows that the usual drivel you find on the internet is posted by plagiaristic and pathetic attention seekers to make themselves look big and clever...people like you. However, these lines of “inspiration”
He uses his fingers to sarcastically accompany his last word;
Kendrix: Are the reason your lives are shit. They are the reasons why you don’t have a job and nobody loves you.
Nodding his head in agreement with himself he raises his eyebrows with his lips together, smiling;
Kendrix: And on What have you done today to make you hashtag be like Kendrix?...JFK will systematically break down every dumb inspirational quote you’ve ever come across and will replace it with his very own inspirational quote, for free...
He holds the palms of his hands modestly out at the camera, as if asking the viewers at home to hold their grateful applause;
Kendrix: So you too...can be like Kendrix!
After pointing out at the camera to his viewers with a smug looking smirk on his face he then turns his attention to the screen to his right and clicks the button on the remote in his hand...bringing up the “inspirational quote”
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!”
Turning back to face the camera, Kendrix shakes his head twice before disappointingly rolling his eyes;
Kendrix: You what bruv?! Nothing is impossible??? I think you’ll all find that Audrey is wrong. For example, staying alive forever is actually impossible...and that’s the very reason Audrey is now dead.
He taps the side of his head twice with his index finger;
Kendrix: And it’s the very reason why all of you watching at home are failures. Because you have this idea that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Wagging his index finger at the camera with a disgruntled look on his face he continues to educate his viewers;
Kendrix: Well, JFK has news for you all…you can’t. a...because you’re all morons and b...because rich, successful people like JFK put obstacles in your way to stop YOU...achieving your dreams.
Mockingly opening his mouth wide he exaggeratedly turns his head towards the screen to his side and equally exaggeratedly back at the camera in front of him, all the while holding his apparent shocked expression.
Kendrix: But don’t worry folks, cos JFK is gonna leave you bellends all with some words of ACTUAL...wisdom.
Without turning to face the screen to his side he nonchalantly clicks the button on his remote up at it. Audrey Hepburn’s inspirational quote is instantly replaced by the following one;
“Your dreams are unachievable so stop dreaming about things you will never have because you’re fat, ugly, lazy and most importantly...you’re not Kendrix”
Grinning at the camera, very pleased at providing his viewers with his words of wisdom he crosses his arms on his chest;
Kendrix: No need to thank JFK, just remember to keep your expectations as low as possible and you will live the long shitty life you can’t possibly get out of.
The music hits in the background signalling that the show is coming to an end. The camera begins to zoom out slowly;
Kendrix: Well, unfortunately for you all, that’s all we have time for on the very first episode of what have you done today to make you hashtag be like Kendrix? Before JFK leaves you he would just like to quickly tell you all to join his protest directed at the evil Victory brand of the UTA that is inhumanly keeping THE World’s Greatest Entertainer... of the world, Mikey Unlikely, hostage on their inferior show.
He stretches the bottom of his t-shirt out at the camera;
Kendrix: You can join this inspirational movement created to get Mikey onto Wrestleshow by following JFK on his twitter page and clicking on the link that appears on the tweet that he sent out today...which should be popping up on your screen right now;
@JFK_KENDRIX appears with the twitter logo on the bottom right hand corner of the screen
Kendrix: Sign the petition! Retweet it, tell your friends about it...if you have any of course...but that’s enough from JFK today...and don’t forget to tell EVERYONE...about what YOU...did today...to make you hashtag be like Kendrix!
He signs off by throwing his trademark wanker gesture at the screen. As he walks off out of shot the lights fade to black on set, signalling the end of the show.
25 Jan 2016
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10 Dec 2015
News Publishing by Backstage 3.1
"You see, this isn't any run of the mill wrestler factory. This isn’t Generic City. This is the U.T. fucking A! The cream of the crop, the top of the mill, the best of the best, the hardest of the hard"
- Mikey Unlikely