CONTENT

ASK A LUCHADOR XIV

Posted by La Flama Blanca on 24 Sep 2015

The cameras are rolling but the screen is black. The lights switch on, and the picture is filled with the mask of La Flama Blanca, YOUR UTA World Champion. "Ask A Luchador" appears over his head.

La Flama Blanca: Hola, beatnuts and mouth breathers! Welcome to another episode of “Ask A Luchador”, hosted by The Luchador himself, the UTA World Champion La Flama Blanca! It’s good to be here, it’s good to be back! Thank you for tuning in!

The Cruiserweight sits on his customary leather couch. He shuts his television off, placing the controller on the table in front of him next to his World title. The cameras comes in closer on him. He leans forward, fixing his suit jacket in the process. The fireplace behind him burns brightly.

LFB: Tonight’s show is sponsored by Alpo by Purina. Brand new sponsor to the show, I’d like to thank them for their support. Don’t your puppies deserve to eat like a champion? Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. On to the show... First question, Voice Over Guy!

Voice Over: Teri from Georgia wants to know, “Gin, vodka, or tequila?”

LFB: You give The Champ a nice rock glass filled with some Patron and you will quickly get on his good side. Nothing better than smoking a nice cigar and enjoying some spirits. Well… being UTA World Champion is better than a smoke and a drink, next!

Voice Over: Derrick from Calgary wants to know, “Do you know CPR?”

LFB: That’s one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard. Of course I know CBR. The Canadian Star… the longest reigning Internet Champion in UTA history. A man so great they had to change the name of that very belt to fit the man who held it.

Voice Over: No, Champ…Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, C-P-R.

La Flama Blanca nods his head, seeing his obvious mistake.

LFB: Oh… Yeah, actually The Champ does. I have my certification but I only save the ladies. Sorry guys, less competition for me.

Voice Over: Tiffany from Michigan wants to know, “Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?”

The Luchador brings his hands together, resting his elbows on his knees. Blanca taps his right index finger on his left hand as he thinks.

LFB: Normally I’d like to chalk this question up to flat out racism, but I’m feeling pretty positive today. It has happened a few times… The Champ likes to go a little fast from time to time in his high end sports cars. 

The Luchador lets out a chuckle.

LFB: The police officers take one look at my light complexion and assume I’m gringo and let me go. You’ve just GOT TO love this country! Next question Mr. Voice Over man!

Voice Over: Robert from Wisconsin wants to know, “Why aren’t blueberries blue?”

LFB: Hmm… This is true. They are more of a purple. I have no idea and I don’t feel like googling the answer.

The crackle of the fire can be heard as The Headliner stops speaking.

LFB: Speaking of blueberries not being blue, since when did raspberries turn blue? I always thought it was made up but one day I googled “blue raspberries” and found out they in fact exist. Amazing world we live in.

Cameras cut away from La Flama Blanca and move in on the fireplace.

LFB: Our raspberries can be blue but our berries can not. Next!

They soon zoom out to get a shot of the UTA World Championship title.

Voice Over: Jason from Texas wants to know, “Do you believe in ghosts?”

LFB: Of course I do! Only idiots don’t believe in ghosts. My last home was haunted. I would hear children's’ laughter, cries for help, and footsteps every so often…

A thought goes through his mind.

LFB: Now that I think about it, I did recently find out Bobby Dean didn’t live too far from that property…

Everything gets quiet for a few seconds.

LFB: But yes, I do believe in ghosts. Now it’s time for the Did You Know? fact of the day… Did you know there is only ONE stop sign in the entire city of Paris? Hmm… that’s pretty strange. Sounds like the French to me, the word “stop” just isn’t in their vocabulary. Back to the questions from you… the beat nuts. Voice Over guy, go!

Voice Over: Tony from New York wants to know, “Who inspires you? Who do you aspire to be like?”

Blanca leans back, crossing his right leg over his left, getting a bit more serious with this question.

LFB: I’ve always tried to be like my father. He was a great wrestler in his day. He was also a great husband and father. I get a lot of inspiration from most of the UTA Roster… Most of them are overrated and really aren’t any good. I try to be the exact opposite of them. That is why I’m the best there is in the UTA.

Voice Over: Brandon from the U.K. wants to know, “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?”

Blanca sits and tries to process the ridiculous question. He puts his right hand up as if he has an answer.

LFB: I’d have no idea. I don’t hang around clowns or cannibals. I stopped hanging out with Madman Szalinski a long time ago, and I’ve never spent time with The Truth to know if they’ve eaten a clown or not. Next question!

Voice Over: Doug from Arizona wants to know, “What trajectory are you hoping to push yourself onto? Where do you want to head?”

LFB: I’m already at the top of the mountain, Doug. I’m a guaranteed Hall Of Famer in the UTA, but I’m not going to stop there… I aim to be the best there ever was in this industry. I’ve had high aspirations since I came to the UTA. I’ve made good on every claim I made on day one.

The camera inches in closer and closer on the UTA World Champion. He moves up in his seat, emphatically moving his body with each point he makes.

LFB: I told the world I was going to make an impact here in the UTA, and I made good on that. I told the world I was going to be UTA World Champion and I made good on that. I told the world I was going to be the face of the United Toughness Alliance… and I made good on that.

More silence as his words continue to resonate.

LFB: That’s the end of our show… join us next time for “Ask A Luchador!”

We zoom out and out on the scene. Cameras fade to black and the feed is lost.

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