TEAM DANGER LAND
PREPARING TO TOUR THE WORLD
LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY FROM VICTORY
Situated around the giant clock face table in their private studio, the Lean, Mean, Tee Dee Machine are in the midst of recording their bon voyage episode of Team Danger Radio. The Boys of UTA World Tag Team Championdom have a few hours to kill before they embark on the UTA’s International Affair world tour, starting in Rio De Janeiro.
“You know what’s gonna be awesome about goin’ to Rio for this show, Stevie?” Ty asks as he turns his head to address his numero uno amigo.
Greer looks back shrugs, his face already sour.
“No, but I can tell you what’s going to suck about this trip.” The KoP begins with the negativity.
Walker rolls his eyes, he knows where this is going based on their recent Twitter adventures.
“Oh man, here we go.” Ty says with a sigh, but let’s the KoP continue.
“Yes, here we do go,” The KoP begins. “Because unlike you, I don’t like it when it’s balls sweating o’clock all day long.”
“But,” Ty interjects, “We live in Florida, dude, it’s always hot as fuck here.”
Greer’s face scrunches with a sneer, shaking his head.
“Yeah, and we have air conditioning, I mean, do Brazilians even have the technology?” The KoP ponders
Walker’s expression is just, oy vey. Before he can interject, Greer picks up where he left off.
“Seriously, I watched all of NARCOS last night, and everyone was sweating.”
“That’s Columbia, bruh.” Ty attempts to correct him, “And it was the eighties.”
Greer ignores these facts.
“I don’t know man,” The look of doubt on the KoP’s face is evident, “It all looked the same to me, Mexicans and humidity for as far as the eye the could see.”
“And cocaine, right?” Ty adds.
“And cocaine.” The KoP says with a nod. “Look, I’m just saying that we’re going into this match,” His eyes shift as he considers his words, “I mean, I’m going into this match, at a serious disadvantage. I’m big, I’m white, it’s going to be hotter than Satan’s taint down there. You might need to carry this one for us.”
Greer pauses for breath, while Walker’s brow perks up on that final point, then shrugs.
“So what else is new?” Ty smirks mockingly at the KoP.
“You sonuva--” The KoP shoots Ty a glare.
Leaning over, Greer grabs a something random and hurls it at Walker, who is quick to duck the unidentified object as it goes sailing past him. The boys look back at each other for a moment, then snicker as if nothing dramatic just happened.
“Anyway.” Ty begins, looking to move on. “Look, man, I get all a’ that, I do.” He begins with a sympathetic tone, “Thing is, Lew Smith is from England, that boy ain’t used to no gotdamn heat, not like us.”
“Yeah maybe, but I’m going to have to chase his ping ponging ass all over the ring.” The KoP says with a doubtful shrug.
Walker’s head tilts as he sighs.
“Man, that boys gonna be sufferin’ right along side you when we get under them hot lights in Rio for this match on Victory.” Ty snorts and continues, “Besides, the point is, you live in Florida year round, Stevie.”
Greer’s eyes narrow a bit, as if he doesn’t follow Walker’s logic. Walker grumbles a bit.
“It means you have an advantage over him, dude.” Ty explains. “You’re used to the heat, both in temperature an’ in the ring, experience an’ shit, ya dig?”
Greer nods, his head bobbling back and forth a bit.
“I suppose so, that and I got the only black guy in the match.” The KoP attempts to add on to Ty’s logic.
Walker just looks at Greer, before he quickly shakes his head.
“Oh yeah,” Ty begins, clearly intrigued, “I gotta see where this logic train is goin’.”
“Are you sure?” The KoP asks, “I mean, I don’t want my genius being misconstrued for racism.”
Walker nods, his attention is at Greer’s full command.
“Okay,” The KoP begins to layout his theory. “So, the way I see it is, Ron Hall is a redneck, so he’s super white, and Lew Smith is English, so he’s ultra white…”
Greer trails off as Walker makes some serious eyes at him.
“This shit better be gettin’ to a real good mothafuckin’ point, Stevie.” Ty warns.
“It is,” The KoP insists, “So here’s the premise.” The KoP clears his throat, “Black people are much more adept in the high heat and humidity than white people.”
Greer leans back, a proud smile spreading across his face as he crosses his arms over his chest. Walker’s eyes shift away, then narrow, as if he’s heard this anecdote before. Then it hits him.
“The fuck?” Ty blurts as he snaps his focus back to the KoP, “That isn’t your genius, that’s some shit Dusty Baker said ove ten-gotdamn-years ago when he was managin’ the Cubs.”
Greer throws his hands up in surrender.
“Okay fine, it wasn’t entirely my logic.” The KoP admits. “Still, when Ron Hall and Lew Smith are gassed and I’m out on the apron puking my guts out, you’re still going to be fresher than all of us combined, making our odds of success better than theirs.”
Walker’s whole face droops a little as his mouth gapes open, the logic that Greer just presented actually stunning him. A moment later and the door to the studio opens.
Says the Queen Bee of Tee Dee, who pops into the studio and flashes her wrist, tapping it as she attempts to make Team Danger aware of the time. Seeing this as an opportunity to move it along, Greer turns to Evans with a big smile.
“Hey!” The KoP greets Kels. “We’re being joined now by the Boss Bitch of NOLA and the personal snake handler of--”
Greer is cut off when Evans approaches, smacking him on the back of the head. He laughs and rubs the back of his head as she takes her customary seat between he and Walker.
“So,” She opens up, looking at the KoP, “What’s going on?” She asks as she turns Ty.
Walker finally shakes himself from the stupor of the logic bomb Greer dropped on him, then turns to Evans.
“We got fuckin’ Stevie over here droppin’ the Black Man’s Logic, and I’m like.” Ty says with his hands up and a confused look.
“Just because you can’t handle the truth,” The KoP argues with a smile.
Evans’ brow perks up, now completely curious as she apparently hadn’t been listening to the show.
“Okay, somebody tell me what’s going on.” Kels demands.
“What’s goin’ on is,” Ty opens with his side of the story. “Stevie sayin’ that we got the advantage because I’m black, so I can take the heat an’ humidity better.”
“Ah.” Kels nods. “So basically what Dusty Baker said when he managed the Cubs, huh?”
Walker shoots her a look, then shifts his eyes over to Greer, whose smile turns a touch sheepish under Walker’s glare.
“Maaaan.” Ty facepalms. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t’ve come up with that on your own!”
Greer snickers, Evans rolls her eyes before turning to Greer and giving him a disapproving look.
“You know,” She begins her admonishment, “I only told him that because he was complaining so much about how hot it’s going to be in Rio.”
Walker nods and shakes his head again, the pieces of this puzzle finally coming together. Greer merely shrugs and leans back in his seat.
“Yeah, well,” The KoP begins his defense, “When we win, because you’re the only one who isn’t gassed out because Ron Hall, Lew Smith and myself are running on empty, we’ll see how you feel about me cribbing notes off a man who would know better than I do.”
Greer’s face adopts a satisfied smile, his arms once again crossing over his chest, except he leans a little too far and the chair tumbles backwards. Walker immediately busts a gut laughing, while Evans simply sighs, her eyes shifting away for a moment.
“Anyway.” Kels takes the floor. “Speaking of Ron Hall and Lew Smith, are you guys ready to do this?”
Greer pushes himself off the floor and then retakes his seat. Walker nods in response Evans’ question, Greer ponders for a moment, then nods as well.
“Yeah, sure.” The KoP adds.
“Well, you two have been working hard ever since Ring King.” Kels notes. “Kind of surprising actually.”
Team Danger look to each other and then at Evans curiously.
“What?” Kels asks.
“You ain’t gotta say it like it’s that bigga surprise, woman.” Ty chides her.
“Yeah, I mean, isn’t this what you kept nagging us about?” The KoP follows up.
Feeling the sudden fifth degree, Evans shrugs in response.
“I’m just saying, based on past history with you two, it’s really good to see you guys actually taking this seriously.” Kels commends them, a proud smile shaping her lips.
Team Danger nods in unison.
“It’s like we said before Ring King, Kels.” The KoP begins. “We’re going to make the most of this run, because who knows what future holds for us when it finally ends, you know?”
Evans nods following along.
“Yeah, and it don’t matter who the UTA sends up against us, everyone gonna get Team Danger’s best.” Ty remarks confidently.
“Exactly.” The KoP adds as an exclamation point to Ty’s comment. “Like, this match isn’t the biggest match, but it is against a guy who took Blanca to the limit and beat him.”
“Yeah,” Ty jumps in, “And Ron Hall’s a certified Hall a’ Famer in the UTA, and he whooped the boss man’s ass. Can’t do nothin’ but respect another ol’ dog, who’s keepin’ it pushin’ like us.”
“True.” Kels adds. “Just don’t let the fact that the titles aren’t on the line--”
“Nuh uh.” Ty shakes his head, raising an index finger and waggles it. “Not even goin’ to be a thing.”
Greer nods and adjusts in his seat.
“The titles not being on the line doesn’t matter to us,” The KoP says as he now jumps back in, “Sure, in theory, this match isn’t a must win, but why even bother letting those two get bragging rights over us going into a real shot at out titles, you know?”
“Yeah man, fuck all a’ that.” Ty says as he bangs a fist on the table. “Ain’t gonna be no free passes coming from us, because we’re gonna go in like it is for the titles, kna’sayin’?”
Evans smiles very approvingly, nodding to both Greer and Walker. A brief moment of silence builds up around them, Team Danger looking to one another, clearly on the same page as always.
“Good, good, that’s what I love to hear.” Kels remarks happily. “So okay then, In honor of going to Braz--”
“Jungle Mexico…” The KoP retorts, his voice trails as quickly as he cut her off.
“I think it’s more like Hungle Meh-he-co, bruh.” Ty interjects as if he were a human autocorrect.
Evans looks at Walker, who looks at Greer, who looks back at Walker as he points back at him with a nod and a smile as if to say hey, good point! Leaning forward, Greer grabs a nearby pen and pad to jot this down, he sounds it out as he writes the words phonetically. Evans, who honestly should be used to Team Danger’s Team Danger-ness, just rolls her eyes and continues.
“Anyway…” She picks back up. “In honor of you guys going to Brazil, you should try something new again.” She proposes before adding, “Continue expanding your horizons, you know?”
Team Danger look to each other and contemplate for a moment, and then another moment, and another moment, it basically turns their podcast into another dead air filled episode of EFG. As the silence continues, Evans’ patience begins to wear thin, tapping her wrist with a look that says c’mon, lets gooooo, already.
“Not yoga.” Team Danger finally respond in unison with a firm tone that shows their complete unwillingness to engage in that activity.
“In fact,” The KoP begins to add as he gets up from his chair, “Lets get out of here before she talks us into something painful again.”
“Oh, hell no!” Ty exclaims, following suit as he pops out of his chair. ”We done did fell for your tricks once, never again!”
“Jimbo, close the show man, we’re out of here, dude!” The KoP says as he rushes out the door.
Jimbo the sound tech, who as usual, was sitting in silence the whole time as he ran the assorted doo hickeys that make Team Danger Radio possible. Evans snickers, but then realizes they’re actually leaving and throws her hands up.
“Oh, come on!” Kels argues, “You guys loved your first session…” She gets up to chase after them, “After the burning stopped.” She finishes under her breath as she goes out the door.
"La Flama Blanca is a straight up piece of s@%# coward!"
- Chris Hopper