Hardcore Cheating 101
Show: Victory XXXIX
The shot opens to the ‘Cheaters’ logo, which is the word ‘Cheaters’ in gold font with a broken heart in the middle of the semi-circular letter C.
Male Voice Over: With the help of secret surveillance cameras, you are about to view actual true stories filmed live; documenting the pain of a spouse or lover caused by infidelity. This programme is both dedicated to the faithful, and presented to the false hearted, to encourage their renewal of temperance in virtue.
The disclaimer fades out.
Male Voice Over: Coming up on this episode of cheaters...
We cut to a montage of anarchy and passion fuelled violence; people dragging people out of cars and girls running away butt naked. Then we cut to our host, Clark Gable the 3rd, stood infront of a green screen that, with the help of cgi, appears to us as a high tech private eye HQ backdrop with a square box beside Gable’s head displaying a picture of a very gloomy looking Suicidal Skylar Montgomery.
Gable: Skylar is a fighter but he is also a lover. He’s a professional wrestler who is constantly on the road touring and on his time away he has begun to feel like his long time girlfriend could be seeking affection elsewhere. Could it be that whilst he’s travelling the world wrestling the best opponents he can find, she’s doing another type of wrestling in the sheets with other men? Worried, Skylar sought help from the cheaters detective agency. I’m Clark Gable (he raises one eyebrow), and this is ‘Cheaters’...
Suddenly the video starts to fast forward rapidly. We see a portrait shot of SkyMont talking for a second, then it cuts to candid footage of some anorexic blonde girl and a jacked up steroid-vein having jock hanging out together. We see more of SkyMont talking and more candid footage, inter spliced with shots of Clark in the studio. Eventually the footage stops fast forwarding and we get to the bit we all came here to see... The confrontation!
So Skylar and Clark are sat in the back seat of a white people carrier dressed casually.
Clark: Ok Skylar so we’ve tracked them down to the Pizza Hutt. They’re having dinner. Are you ok?
SkyMont: (wiping a tear from his eye) I think so.
Clark: Good because I’m gonna need you to go in there and get as many answers as you can from her. And from him. From both of them. Just go in there and do what you gotta do. Are you ready, Skylar?
SkyMont: (sobbing) Yeah.
They jump out of the car with a boom mic operator and a few camera men in tow, and Skylar follows Clark with marching into the Pizza Hut. The shot is unsteady at this point and keeps shifting between different cameras to get the best angle on the live action, as SkyMont and Clark make a bee line for a table in the corner of the restaurant, where we see that the skinny blonde and stacked jock from earlier are sat down enjoying some food.
The girl looks up at him and looks like she’s seen a ghost.
Susan: What the!? How do you know my name?? Who the hell are you!?
The jock stands up.
Jock: Who is this guy, Sue?
Clark Gable the 3rd pops his head in.
Gable: This is Cheaters, sir. You’ve just been caught being adulterous. Susan here is this man’s girlfriend.
Susan: No I’m not!
Susan: (pointing at Skylar) I’M NOT THIS GUY’S GIRLFRIEND! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL HE IS!!
Gable: (turning to SkyMont) Is this true?
SkyMont: Well... yes, in the conventional sense of the word ‘true’, the answer is yes.
Gable: So why in the hell did you have us follow her around and show you all this secret surveillance footage of her then, huh?
SkyMont: Because I kind of have a crush on her. I thought this would be a good way to break the ice.
Jock: That’s it, I’ve heard enough of this!
The jock shoves Skylar to the ground and Susan screams and runs away like a headless chicken.
Jock: Wait a minute, I know you. Yeah. Hahaha. You’re that retarded jobber off of UTA! It’s gonna be fun beating YOUR ass!
Skylar scurries to his feet and rips a framed photograph of a family enjoying pizza together off the wall, then smashes it off the edge of the table. The jock jumps backwards as glass explodes everywhere. SkyMont picks up a shattered shard from the table and holds in tight in his right hand; so tight that little streams of blood trickle down the cracks of his fingers and fall off his knuckles. He steps towards the towering body builder and the cameras don’t stop running, instead they close in on the action, as this is the exact type of action cheaters viewers have come to expect after all these years.
The jock picks up a fork from the table and readies himself.
SkyMont: Ha! That piece of kitchenware aint gonna scare me. Glass beats fork every time, and I’m gonna prove that against Eric Dane and get my UTA World Title shot at Victory this week. Ha, a fork! I mean what you gonna do, eat me?
Jock: No I’m gonna stab your beady little eyes out you chickenshit little prick.
SkyMont simply lets out an unnerving and unsettling laugh.
SkyMont: Stab me!? See what good that does. Here, let me get you started.
SkyMont pushes his ginger fringe aside and simply CARVES a line from one side of his forehead of to the other with his shattered shard of glass. Plenty of blood instantly begins pouring from his head like water from a dam that’s just been broken. The jock drops his fork and looks petrified.
Jock: Ew! That’s that’s grose, dude! I just finished eating! I hate blood! Urgh I think I’m gonna barf!
He runs away holding his stomach and, as the cameras turn around to follow him leaving the restaurant, we see that the rest of the place has cleared out already. Skylar steps back into the shot still brandishing a jagged shard of glass as blood flows down his face.
SkyMont: Keep the cameras rolling. This is ‘cheaters’ isn’t it? And cheating, isn’t that what old man Eric Dane prides himself on? Being able to outwit the referee, skilfully bend the rules. Eric Dane likes to look at cheating as some sort of art... well to me it’s a necessity.
He tries to wipe the blood from his brow.
SkyMont: I cheat because I NEED to. I cheat because I can’t win if I don’t. I cheat because I can’t wrestle. Eric Dane, you use old school cheating tactics but your style needs updating. So, Eric, Suicidal Skylar Montgomery introduces you to...
He spreads his arms out wide and grins his trademark chip toothed grin.
SkyMont: ...’Hardcore Cheating 101’. This is a simple guide on how to make your rule-breaking a little more extreme and... suicidal. First of all, Eric, you do basic things like poke eyes and pull tights. Well if I wanted to get at someone’s eyes I’d throw POWDER in them and if I ever pulled someone’s tights it would be to pour THUMBTACKS down there so they get a REAL case of pins and needles. Eric, this Monday I am not going to out wrestle you, I’m going to out cheat you.
He smacks himself in the forehead and gets a stamp of blood on his palm.
SkyMont: Because, Eric Dane... This Monday I’m gonna break the glass ceiling.
He licks his blood off the sharp glass isosceles triangle in his hand.
SkyMont: ...With your face.
More Promos | View Skylar Montgomery's Biography