The TV now flickers white and powers off as the camera angle swivels around to reveal Santa sitting there in a giant recliner in front of a roaring, orange-red fire. He leans back and smiles as he chews contentedly on a chocolate chip cookie. Tiny sparks of flame dance back and forth on the logs that are nested deep within the fireplace. The soft glow of the fire is comforting and warming, but nowhere near as warming as the family photo which sits on the mantle.
The photo is one of Santa, Mrs. Claus and about 200 tiny little elves all huddled around them. Naturally, the "elves" are blatantly just midgets who are all wearing pointy-ear appendages, and Mrs. Claus isn't even in costume! She's a young woman of around 25 who is just wearing a sexy Christmas outfit that shows off her ginormous hooters. Santa on the other hand, is smiling widely, but his eyes are focused directly over at the previously mentioned ginormous hooters. His fake beard almost reveals the facial features of someone that could be attributed to a young man in his late thirties. But then again, it could just be the angle of the shot. But none of that truly matters, because Santa is now kicked back in his recliner, eating some cookies and staring at the fire. He stares over at the television and places the remote into the front pocket of the red and white overalls he is currently wearing. He chuckles a soft: "Ho Ho Ho" to himself as he sits up in his chair and scoots his padding-filled midsection up to the front of the chair.
Santa Claus: Hoooo Hoooooooo Hooooooooooo! Hello there boys and girls, moms and dads and people all around the world. It's your pal, Santa Claus! Friends, I have decided to record this message for all of my fans around the world. You see, for the past few months, things have not been going as smoothly as Santa would have liked. I've been trying my best, giving it my all, but things just don't seem to work out.
After the hectic insanity known as Christmas, I returned to the UTA in the hopes of making something of myself. I wanted to become a star, a big star with the proper morals and attitude. Someone that friends and family could all see on television or at the UTA live events and cheer for. Everyone knows that I'm a nice guy and that I'll do anything for a laugh, that's why I made sure to keep everything light, fun and entertaining. But while I was away doing my UTA duties, things began to pile up here at the North Pole. Obviously by my constant reindeer flights back and forth from the North Pole to the UTA events, I haven't been able to stay focused on one or the other.
This is the sad story that I have here tonight. I love wrestling and I love all of my fans out there who have been tuning into the UTA Wrestleshow and Pay Per Views. I used to be the most dedicated man on the face of the planet. I wanted to become the VCW Champion, but I blew that opportunity. Then, just as things were heating up for me, things came up yet again. It seems that the evil, dark forces of the secular world are out to stop me from spreading my yultide cheer on UTA Television. It seems that your old pal Santa just might not be up to the challenge anymore. He's just a washed-up has-been, a loser, a no good bum who doesn't even deserve another chance, just like everyone has said about me before.
A single, solitary tear is seen trailing down Santa's cheek. You feel sad for the old bastard, because you know that it must truly hurt him to feel this way. The single tear dangles at the edge of his chin, as Santa's red, puffy, watery eyes can be seen. Then the teardrop falls, and it catches the light in the fireplace and causes a tiny, almost microscopic rainbow cascade as the light from the fireplace shines through the magical, clear tear.
But the tear now lands on the polished, buffed hard-wood floors of Santa's cottage and gives off a faint, splashing sound as it now quickly disintigrates onto the wooden floors and soon evaporates from the heat. A clearing of the throat is the next sound heard as Santa now raises back up his head and stares deeply with a determined, serious look on his not-so-cheery face.
Santa Claus: But I'm not going to quit. There have been too many times that I've been told to quit and to move aside for the younger generation to come through. It happened to me in 1581 when I was almost burned at the stake for being a warlock. It almost happened again in 1928, but every single time adversity placed its ugly face in my view, I fought it back with my wood-chopping axe and a whole hell of a lot of attitude to back it up with! That's why I know that I cannot quit.
I have been given a new lease on life. A second opportunity to not only win a match but against a returning man, Chance Von Crank. I really am determined to become a champion in the UTA, and with the reinstated Hardcore title addition and the new roster members, there is no greater time than right now for me to start things off right. I'm going to show up to the arena in my bright red sleigh, full of presents for all of the boys and girls out there. I'll be there to sing songs for my friends and fans, I'll sign autographs and I'll also be selling unapproved Christmas Championship Titles for the ultra-super-low price of $29.99! I'll be there all morning long to meet and greet the fans, but then, once the afternoon hits, that's where I will be back into the mindset that I've been lacking from.
Santa smiles widely, his shiny, perfect, snow-colored teeth are massive as they are magnificent. He wiggles his bushy and fake white eyebrows like Magnum P.I. except instead of a shiny, waxed red Ferrari, he drives a shiny, waxed red sleigh. He now continues again, making sure to pick his words carefully, so they don't offend or upset any of his younger or elderly fans watching on the television at home.
Santa Claus: This is where things are going to get interesting. I have absolutely no intention at all of losing this match. I have invested far too much time into UTA just for me to be sent out from it like a dog running scared. Just like the time I was in Shawshank Prison, I am not going down without a fight! I am not going to have my detractors and the people who hate me sing "Na Na Na Na" at me as I make that lonely walk back up the aisle. No way and no how!
I am going to grab that weirdo Chance and I'm going to kick him around. I'm going to use my belt on him like he's a whipping post. I'm going to use the steel steps outside the ring as a wall that I can throw Crank into. I'll even bring a Christmas-decorated ladder! The ladder will be used as a spear, which I will throw at Chance and watch him with glee as he falls to the mat writing in utter agony. This is where my mind is at, I want nothing more than to damage and incapacitate cVc so when it is all said and done, I can get the win and get myself back on a winning run in UTA.
Santa's face had grown to a beet-red color as his anger was clearly being shown. But after a few deep breaths and a sip of some delicious hot chocolate with multi-colored marshmallows, he clears his throat and then smiles kindly.
Santa Claus: But it just depends on what Chance has in store. For all I know, I could very well wind up on the losing end of this match. I don't want this, and I am going to try everything I can in order to stay relevant in the UTA. That's why at Proving Grounds, it is truly my first Chance to make a big impact. If I fail then I will admit that cVc is the better man. I hope this will not happen, that is why I am going to put everything on the line. If I can't succeed, then I'll die trying!
Fade out to snow.