24 Hours After Part 1
Hey. This is kind of cool. I can see myself! I can see everybody! Peach is on the couch looking at me, Graham and Gina are pacing around my living room, someone's knocking at the door, Graham is answering it, and I'm drooling on myself. Just an average Tuesday night.
"Here, come in...I'm Graham. This is my wife, Gina." Close the fucking door, it's gonna get fucking cold out there! Jesus fucking christ! Look at me! I'm fuckin' turning blue! Hey...am I supposed to be turning blue? What the fuck is this? Doug?
"Jacqui. I hope you know, I missed my flight home for this."
"You his new girlfriend?" Graham doesn't fuck around. Ever.
"What?" Jacqui doesn't know what to think of it. "No...I, um..."
"Never mind that." What the fuck are they talking about? I'm just sitting here, chillin'...drooling on myself, turning blue, and my pants are unzipped. Hey, I know that one chick. Is she here to buy some weed? Oh, look on the coffee table! That's where I put those quaaludes I bought from England the other day! Does it look to you like...there's a few missing?
"All right, here's what's going on. He's right there on the couch, he hasn't moved for about 45 minutes and the last thing I remember him saying was that he was supposed to come see you. We checked his sugar and it's normal, that's not the problem. We know he doesn't need sugar or insulin."
"So what, he's just high or something?"
"I don't think so..."
I think I can talk now. I need to talk now. I need to know who the fuck is in my house. Okay, I'm just going to sit down by myself...hey, how you doin', Madman? Lookin' a little mad there...I'm just gonna slide myself over there, get back into my body, and see what's going on in here...
LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME
"...oh...my God..." I gotta go the fuck over here for a minute...no...no...GOD DAMN SON! WHAT THE FUCK DID I TAKE? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MYSELF? I can't go back in there! What the fuck, dude?
"Yeah. I've never seen this. I've seen him on upper weed, downer weed, Vicodin, Percocet, Darvicet, Roxicet, 50 Cent..." Man, get that disappointed look off your face. The fuck do you have to be concerned about, man? "He ain't ever done this before. I had to stop him from trying to piss in the ashtray. One hour ago, he was perfectly fine. Peach, get down!" Why do other people snap their fingers at Peach like she's going to listen to them? You know you're gonna have to pick her up and move her. "Look at this...he's not even responding to Peach. Peach, get down!"
"Ruff..." If the dog wants to lick drool off my face, let her. I wouldn't, but that's...wait a minute. That IS me! I'm so god damn high that I'm having an out of body experience! That must mean...that the other chick who's here right now...holy fucking shit, that's not someone here for weed...
"Hey, Jacqui's here for you! Wake up! Come on!"
Oh shit, Jacqui is here!
Jacqui is here.
She's gonna kill me, she's gonna kill me, she's gonna kill me...awe, fuck man...I'm leaving my fucking body again! God damn it! I look like a fuckin' turtle. I'm fucked up. This is the most fucked up I have ever been in my god damn life. I'm doing the "Everybody Let's Get Retarded" dance. I got my hand on my chest, tryin' to break my wrist, and I don't think I'm trying to bite my ear...I don't think my jaw works.
"J! WAKE UP!"
My eyes are open, I think my chest is rising and shit, but there is nothing there. I think I have to go back into my body or something. Shit, who's gonna narrate this fuckin' scene? Peach?
"WHINE!" Okay, Peach is out. How about Gina? No...Gina can't do it. Graham? No...god damn it. That only leaves one person. Jacqui, the floor is yours. I'm gonna go back and answer my buddy. You do me a favor and help third-person this motherfucker for me. I don't know what's going on to tell any of these fuckin' people about it. I'm so fucking gone I think I'm seriously gonna die this time. Like...I am fucked up. I am so fucked up right now…
...wait. Wait, what? Third-person? Narration? What the actual fuck is he on about right now?
"WATSON FA DUE YOU WATT?" Watson? Who’s Watson? Is this dude tripping that he’s Sherlock Holmes or some shit? What the fuck did he take?!
“Thank God, he's alive! Wait a minute...how the hell did this happen?""
Yeah, Madman...how the hell DID it happen?!
"eye jush what tidd ohsee wattwood happ-pen..."
"You wanna work a match with Log Habben? What the fuck is he saying?"
What you looking at ME for, cupcake? I don’t fucking know either! But here, I’ll slap them a few times for ya - maybe that’ll help.
"WAKE UP!" I'll shake you sober, god damn it...
Eye-hammer-rake?! Does he think he’s in a hardcore match or something?! Man, the dude’s beyond fucked up! I let his ass go and he just slumped right back where he was.
"I'm not giving him a rake. What the fuck does he need a rake for?" How high are you, Graham? "He's fuckin' blown out right now. J! Yo! Look at me, pimpin'..."
He’s looking. He’s looking, but he ain’t seeing. He ain’t seeing shit.
"Oh, Jesus...what the fuck did he take?"
"Eye foot de'luge!"
“Eye, foot, Moulin Rouge? The fuck? This ain’t no Nicole Kidman movie, cupcake!”
"I can't take this shit, I'ma die laughing at this motherfucker before I can even wake him up…” Some help these fucking people are. Jesus fucking Christ on a tricycle!! “J!!! Come on, man! What? You took what?"
"Luge? That shit where you shove a rollerblade up your ass and go down a hill?"
Yeah...jokes. That’s the thing to fucking do while your friend is tripping balls right in front of you. Joke about it. Isn’t this the guy who was supposed to be his tag partner for all those years or something?
"You think this is fuckin' funny, dickhead? He could fuckin' die from this! What the fuck did he take?" He's laying on his side now, I think he's trying to reach his crotch. Maybe he's trying to zip his pants up and get his fucking dignity back.
"I don't know! I think I saw him take some pills..."
"Where's the bottle?"
There, where!? Oh, there. Yeah, I see it. Let’s see what he--Mandrax. Why does that sound familiar? OH MY GOD...these are the ‘ludes? FUCKING LUDES?!
Jesus Christ! "How many did he take?"
"I don't know, at least four or five of them..." WHAT!?
"AYE TOOK OHM LEASH SACKS!" He's got one foot on the coffee table and the other on the couch, trying to fucking walk. "ARGON TAIPEI..."
"I give up, I can't translate that. I think he's done for, man."
Oh no you don’t, cupcake. You’re his fucking friend. How are you gonna give up on him just like that?
"Check his pulse and make sure..." That might be the first time you've opened your mouth all night, Gina.
"He ain't dead, he just talked."
Deep breaths, Raven...DEEP BREATHS...
"But you said you thought he was done for!"
"I didn't say he was dead, I said he was gonna die!"
Oh God fucking DAMMIT, I’m too old for this shit!
"God damn it! How many fuckin' ludes did he take?"
"NO WAY DUDE! He found ludes?" SOME FRIEND! You didn't even know he was holdin' out on you...which makes no sense, because Madman shares pretty much everything he has with anybody who wants it or needs it. He doesn't hide a lot of stuff....I'm starting to wonder if maybe there's a reason I showed up here last night out of the blue.
“No shit he found ‘ludes! You two geniuses have been in here forever and you haven’t bothered to check the bottle?” I wanted to get right up in this guy's fucking face so bad...
"He'd been saying that shit for weeks, I thought he was just bullshitting us."
"No. He really went and got the fuckin' ludes. Now how much did he take and how do we fuckin’ fix it?"
"I don't fuckin' know! I've never taken ludes before! I didn't even know they still fuckin' made them!"
"Well, apparently they do, and apparently Madman found some."
"Listen, lady, I've watched this man take half the pharmacy and still go twenty minutes in the ring before he got like this! He's fine!"
Fine. FINE. He’s FINE. HE’S FINE!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT HE IS NOT FINE!!!
"YOU CALL THIS FINE?"
"I'VE WATCHED THEM PUT A SHEET OVER HIS FUCKIN' HEAD, TELLING US THAT HE WAS GONE, AND HE JUST GOT BACK UP AND ASKED FOR SOME MORE WEED!!!" Oh, you wanna raise your voice at me, cupcake? It’s about to be on in a minute!!
"Graham...calm down." Listen to your woman.
"Sorry...I'm not saying he can't die...but trust me, he's fine. He’s been through ten times worse than this. He’ll be okay..." That’s better.
"Look, either we sober him up or we take him to the hospital, and I know he'll be pissed to no end if we did that...so what the fuck we gonna do, go on Wikipedia and look this shit up?"
"Let me make some calls. I'm sure one of my uncles or my dad will know something. They probably took a few of these in their day, they'll know what to do..."
The fuck you barking at, dog...OH SHIT!