“So, what I’m getting out of all this is… Yoshii’s trying to overload on carbs to increase his weight so that I can’t scoop slam him.”
“But he’s gonna drink skim milk because it’s unfattening.”
“God dammit. I tried to be serious about this whole thing, and now I’m reduced to making fun of the way Yoshii eats cereal. Now look, as a wrestler I know a little bit about nutrition n’ shit, on account of I’ve got to eat healthy in order to not get fat - and I know you get fat off sugar worse than you do actual fat. Like, you could drink a glass of bacon grease and it’d be better for you than frosted fucking flakes.”
“Also Tony the Tiger is a gay furry and Jed Dye would have sex with him, I’m sure of it.”
Cut to Jeff Andrews, looking all surly like. His hair and most of his beard are buzzed into bristles, his chin is shaggy. His shirt says something witty on it, his jeans are very much like a pair of jeans usually are.
“Now, I wasn’t expecting the fat fuck to show, but at least he got out and did something.”
“And just like I called it, it was vaguely zany.”
“No, seriously, fuck you and your entire shit, and considering all that goddamn cereal that’s a lot of shit.”
Andrews heaves a sigh of irritated weariness, or possibly weary irritation.
“Now, I had this thing all ready to go, I was going to compare Yoshii the sumo to Yoshi the fucking mario dinosaur, and how awesome he was when he first came out and how he’s gotten wussier and gayer in each successive game he’s appeared in, but that’s right out. And now I’m in an extra bad mood cos I was thinking I might get reacquainted with Super Mario World and now I can’t because I have to say goddamn words. So um then… let’s talk about the one thing that’s worth talking about.”
Another sigh, this one more of resignation.
“Yoshii doesn’t know, of course, because he’s at best got the wit of a manchild and his manager’s just a fucktard who couldn’t be relevant at gunpoint, but I’ve been out of the game entirely for well over a year, and if you’re talking about the last time I worked a fully active schedule as a wrestler, that was back over three years ago. Way longer than the guy actually using ring rust as an excuse.”
“And on my first night back, I scoop slammed Santa Claus.”
“So you know what, I don’t wanna fucking hear it about rust, or hear about rust being the reason that Yoshii’s return to the UTA has been a failure. I mean, granted, he’s had one match, I’ve had one match, but the point that I feel bears repeating, possibly endless repeating…”
“He lost to Lisil Jackson and I fucking scoop slammed Santa Claus.”
“What I’m getting at is, don’t use rust as an excuse for failure when the guy you’re talking to theoretically had it worse, but instead of making a return and failing, came in ready to go, handled his shit, and is walking into the match on a win streak. Because a one match win streak beats a one match losing streak, amirite? Of course I am.”
Yet another sigh. Pretty sure this one’s disgust.
“See, I was happy, at first, to write this up as Lisil Jackson simply being good enough to upend a former World Champ. Wasn’t until I got kinda pissed off that I decided to do some looking into what the fuck Yoshii actually accomplished here in UTA, and how’s that go…”
“Dude wins the title in a clusterfuck involving Dynasty, of course, and drops it on his first defense and immediately ragequits the promotion. Also, despite ending up in the right spot to win the title, he only builds a record that’s just barely better than .500. And suddenly I’m kind of less enthused about this match, because what I thought might be an honorable meetup between a former champion and representative of UTA and a former multi-time World Champion from elsewhere, is going to turn into me curbstomping a fat fuck.”
“So much fuckin’ rust.”
“Fuckin’ rust ERRYWHERE in this bitch.”
“It’s all around you an’ you don’t even know it.”
“No, I’m being sarcastic.”
A grin, but not the happy kind.
“That ain’t rust, you fat fuck, it’s mediocrity.”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, Yoshii’s still a one time World Champ, that’s nothing to completely dismiss and I sure would like to have it as a bragging reward. But he drops that one to Lisil Jackson, it’s easy enough for everyone to attribute it to fucking ‘miscellaneous factors.’ When, and I do mean WHEN, he drops this upcoming one to me, I do not want to hear a single fucking word about rust.”
“Gonna switch subjects real quick.”
“Hey, Cayle Murray, you watching?”
Andrews waves to TV-land.
“And I was telling you all about how I’d like to help you grow up in wrestling and not end up all bitter and everything like I did? Well man, if you’re looking down on me for my outburst here, it’s just that I been through this so many times - get my hopes up thinking I’m going to get to do something good, and then someone just takes a nasty rice and soy sauce infused sumo sized shit all over my hopes and my mood and then I’m back to being the fucking King of the Bittermen.”
Andrews shakes his head and sighs.
“And now look what that stupid fat fuck Yoshii’s done. Can’t be bothered to address me directly, eats fucking cereal instead of doing his job, and now he’s making me look bad in front of the dude I’m actually trying to be nice to.”
“Fucking rusty retarded dumbfuck fat rusttarded dumbshit fatshit rustfucked…”
Andrews slowly trails off into an incomprehensible mumble.
Trusting that his point has been adequately made though, we bring this to a close.
"“You’re all a bunch of pretty, pretty princesses! Now can we please stop squabbling like hens in the coop and get back to the business at hand?”"
- Eric Dane