“Rocking around the Christmas Tree
at the Christmas party hop
Mistletoe hung where you can see
Ev'ry couple tries to stop
You will get a sentimental feeling When you hear voices singing
Let's be jolly; Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Have a happy holiday
Everyone's dancing merrily
In a new old fashioned way”
The Brenda Lee Christmas classic is heard playing loudly from the fifty inch plasma hanging above a roaring fire as the first Home Alone movie is displayed on the screen as a cardboard cutout of his Airness goes by on a choo-choo train while Kevin McCallister is playing puppet master to a bunch of puppets to fool the Wet Bandits into not robbing the place on this night. As the camera slowly moves away from the television we see everyone’s favorite Texan, Scott Stevens, is ready for the holiday season as he is putting ornaments on the Christmas tree. Stevens reaches into one of the open boxes and pulls out a rather large ornament that contains a picture of the Stevens family; from the patriarch, Cary Stevens, to the brothers, Ricky and George, to cousin Bo, wife Lisa and the kids, Hope and Jack, with Scott right in the middle, and places it in the center of the tree.
Scott Stevens: That should do it.
Stevens says to himself as he stares at the picture before turning to speak.
Scott Stevens: Hello there Wrestle UTA, it is I, your “Vacation Aficionado” Scott Stevens, coming to you live from a very special holiday destination.
Stevens says with a smile.
Scott Stevens: I know what you’re thinking, it’s Christmas time so we must be at the North Pole broadcasting live from Santa’s Workshop to talk about who’s been naughty and who’s been nice while we eat cookies and drink mile, but I have sad news boys and girls and that Santa is in the hospital as we speak.
Stevens says as he wipes a tear from his left eye.
Scott Stevens: From what I’ve been able to piece together from my sources is that Santa was jumped inside the local mall when UTA was in Battle Creek, Michigan last night for Victory.
Stevens says with anger in his tone.
Scott Stevens: Eyewitness accounts say it was four individuals and they can best be described as vile human beings. The one who wore a mask dropped f-bombs in front of the children while sitting on Santa‘s unconscious lap and asked for a bag of weed for Christmas. The fat one was said to constantly run over the fallen Santa with some type of scooter while a man wearing a leather jacket, which happened to be missing a sleeve, went through Santa’s sack stealing the toys out of it like he was stealing a win. While this travesty was taking place the apparent ringleader was busy sitting in Santa’s chair in his expensive attire while doing the unimaginable…..and that is telling everyone that Santa doesn’t exist along with the Tooth Fairy, and that he killed and skinned the Easter Bunny and wears him as slippers around his mansion.
Stevens says as he shakes his head in disgust.
Scott Stevens: DISPICABLE!
Stevens shouts in disgust.
Scott Stevens: I mean what has the world come to?
Stevens asks shocking.
Scott Stevens: Christmas is a time when people should be coming together to celebrate the birth of Christ and also putting aside petty differences, but apparently the Pantheon doesn’t know the meaning of Christmas as evident by what transpired on Victory.
Stevens says as he lets out a sigh.
Scott Stevens: For a group of people claiming to be the “Gods of Wrestling” you seem more like a bunch of girls on your periods screaming and fighting over a boy you can’t have. Eric Dane wears expensive clothing, beats his chest like a gorilla and boasts that he’s the best in UTA, but has his goons take out Cayle Murray and Will Haynes? I’ve realized that underneath the bravado and expensive suits that Eric Dane is nothing more than a pussy after his attack on Haynes and Murray. If they are truly nothing as you put it champ then why the attack? Why are you suddenly scared of the guy who couldn’t win the Wildfire championship and Mike Unlikey’s bitch?
Stevens asks as he pauses for a moment to let the question linger.
Scott Stevens: Maybe I’ll never understand it, but what I do know is that when Dynasty fell another scum faction was prime and willing to set up shop and take their place, but the Pantheon isn’t Dynasty and never will be. With Dynasty you had champions, and people who didn’t back down from a fight while the Pantheon you have a world champion in recognition only, a masked vigilante who gained sympathy from the fans when he had a heart attack in the ring only to play heel because he has his feeling hurt.
Stevens shakes his head.
Scott Stevens: You have the lovable Bobby Dean who is a hundred pounds lighter thanks to Yoga with Amy Harrison and Marie Van Claudio, and during that that year Bobby Dean was terrorizing UTA by riding around on a cart and eating buckets of KFC……scary.
Stevens says sarcastically as he feigns a look of horror on his face.
Scott Stevens: The only one who has been a legit threat to UTA is the man I am facing at the Seasons Beatings supershow for the Wildfire championship, Colton Thorpe.
Stevens says with a nod as he makes his way over to his leather couch to take a seat.
Scott Stevens: In my personal opinion, Colton Thorpe is the single most dominate champion in UTA at this very moment.
Stevens says firmly.
Scott Stevens: Think about it, he single-handedly took a championship that had been regulated to obscurity and was an afterthought amongst the other championships, and he made it relevant and prestigious once again. His feud with Cayle Murray over said championship made it one of the hottest and one of, if not, the biggest feud in UTA over the past six months. Thorpe not only saved the Wildfire championship from being retired and melted down to make Wingate a new watch, but he is the only champion to remain after International Affair. Thorpe has been one thing these other champions have not been, and that is dominant.
Stevens says with a nod of appreciation to acknowledge the dominance of his opponent.
Scott Stevens: With all that going for Thorpe you would think he would be a top contender to challenge for the World heavyweight championship, but instead of challenging for the championship…he sides with the champion?
Stevens says as he throws up his hands and has a look of confusion on his face.
Scott Stevens: It just doesn’t make sense to me. I get it when it came to Dynasty, but Thorpe you are the best out of that entire group. Instead of wasting your time with the crying masked man and the punch line of UTA you should be defeating Eric Dane for the world title instead of being his little bitch to protect it.
Stevens says sternly as he stares directly into the camera.
Scott Stevens: I know I’m walking into the lion’s den this Monday night, and that I have to keep my head on a swivel at all times because I could be jumped from behind any moment inside the United Center, but the difference between the two of us is that I don’t need other people doing my fighting for me. Remember when you did your own fighting Colt? I’m sure that seems like a lifetime ago since nowadays you jump whenever your master whistles and barks orders to attack whomever he wants you to because he’s to lazy to do the job himself.
Stevens says before whistling and a chocolate colored Lab comes running into the room.
Scott Stevens: You’re not Colton! Bad dog! Bad!
Stevens shouts and the dog eventually exits the room.
Scott Stevens: Guess Dane didn’t let you come out and play today, but that’s ok because come Monday night it will be you and I in the middle of the ring in front of thousands of people inside the United Center with millions watching around the world all wondering one thing, and that is can Colton Thorpe defeat Scott Stevens all by himself?
Stevens asks as his ears perk up awaiting for an answer that he knows he won’t get.
Scott Stevens: Come by yourself or bring your friends because the result will be the same and that is I’m walking out of Chicago as the new Wildfire champion. Now you can save the embarrassment by taking your loss like a man by losing to me in a one on one match where we tear the house down and our match is talked about for years to come. Or, you can have Lard Ass and the Gimp interfere in our match and I embarrass them just like I’m going to do to you, and you can all point the finger at one another and play the blame game. The choice is yours.
Stevens says with a shrug.
Scott Stevens: When I become Wildfire champion you shouldn’t see it as a loss Colton. In fact you should see it as a win because not only is the championship you made relevant in good hands but you have nothing stopping you from going after the championship I know you should be challenging for. Monday night is going to be an epic night and Christmas has come early as I become the new Wildfire champion.
Stevens says with a smile as the screen fades.
"Life is like a box of chocolates... especially if someone shits in your box."
- Shawn FX