It’s 5:30 at night on a Friday. A time where most people are relaxing at home by a warm fire with loved ones or heading to the nearest theater to watch the newest movies on the big screen, and the big one out right now to see is the movie Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The seventh movie in the Star Wars franchise and the first of many from Disney to come out within the next few years. People have been lined up for hours and the anticipation is growing and the excitement factor is increasing to incredible levels with each passing minute and each step forward towards their destination.
As we move about the line there are men and women, boys and girls, of various ages waiting with anticipation. As we continue to move forward throughout the line towards the front we see a sign that reveals our destination…..
If you actually thought we were waiting in line for hours to see some silly little movie than you are gravely mistaken because Christmas isn’t the time for lightsaber duals and force chokes it’s about a jolly, fat guy in a red suit who delivers presents to everyone around the world once a year and wrestles for the UTA in the off season.
Is heard being yelled from the very tall and very good looking elf as she walks away from the camera and back towards the waiting masses as the red bells jingle on her green colored slippers. The raven haired elf unhinges the velvet rope and a cute little girl around the age of eight comes running and jumps into Santa’s lap.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. What is your name little girl?”
Santa belts out with glee.
“My name is Emily.”
The little girl says quickly before turning away shyly.
“And what would you like for Christmas Emily?”
Santa asks the little girl as his emerald colored eyes look down towards Emily.
“I just want my daddy to come home. He been gone too long.”
The little girl says with a sad look in her eyes.
“I take it your dad is in the military?”
Santa asks and Emily nods her head yes.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. Well your dad is a hero little girl and good things happen to good people.”
Santa says as he motions for Emily to get closer.
“I’ll use some extra Christmas magic to help bring your dad home for Christmas.”
Santa whispers to the little girl who is now smiling so big you would think she’s auditioning for a toothpaste commercial.
Emily says as she hugs Santa as the elf takes the picture and the little girl exits to the left as the next kid to sit on Santa’s lap appears to be a young boy around the age of ten wearing a Star Wars shirt with a storm trooper on the front.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. What is your name little boy?”
The little boy replies as Santa looks at his shirt.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. I see you have a Star Wars shirt on, are you a Star Wars fan?”
Santa asks as the little boy shakes his head.
“Are you seeing the movie tonight?”
Santa asks as Brian shakes his head rapidly.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. And you would like Star Wars toys for Christmas is that correct?”
The little boy’s eyes light up as he shakes his head yes.
“Well Brian what do you want Santa to bring you?”
“Well, I want a Stormtrooper mask, a Darth Vader mask, a Kylo Ren mask, a Poe Dameron mask…….”
Two minutes later……
“A BB-8 remote control droid, and a red lightsaber with the cross guard.”
Brian says as he finishes his list of toys.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. That is a lot of stuff little boy, and only good boys and girls get what they want and have you been good this year?”
Santa asks as Brian shakes his head yes.
Santa chuckles jollily as he motions for his elf to come to him.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. Ashley, Brian here has been a good little boy this year so why don’t you reach down and grab Santa’s sack for him.”
Santa says to his elf as she reaches down to grab Santa’s big, furry……get your mind out of the gutter you sick freak!
As Ashley places Santa’s sack on his lap, jolly old Saint Nick reaches in and pulls out a red light saber with the cross guard and hands it to the little boy.
“Thank you Santa!”
The little boy screams and hugs the Miracle on 34th Street.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. You’re very welcome, but you can’t be a Sith Lord without this…..”
Santa says as he reaches back into his sack.
“What I’m about to give you Brian is an exclusive Star Wars item that can only be given out by Santa.”
Santa says as the boy’s eyes light up with excitement. However, the little boy’s excitement turns to confusion when Santa brings out a mask but not a mask the little kid asked for. Instead the mask is black with a red phoenix across the front with “Heel $#!T” embroidered in white across the back.
“Here you go.”
Santa says as he hands Brian the mask who stares at it confused as Ashley snaps the photo. As Brian leaves with his limited edition “Sith Lord” mask and lightsaber, a boy about fifteen or sixteen years old comes over and sits not and has the expression of not wanting to be there.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. What is…….”
Santa begins to ask a question but the boy cuts him off.
“Look Santa, can you get that sexy piece of ass over there to take the picture so I can get in line for the movies.”
The boy rudely says as Ashley gives him the evil eye.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. I see you’re going to see the new Star Wars movie.”
The boy sarcastically replies back.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. And who happens to be your favorite character in the movie?”
Santa asks as the boy unzips his jacket and reveals a Star Wars shirt with Kylo Ren on the front.
“Does that answer your question fat man?”
The boy rudely asks as he zips his jacket back up.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. And what makes him so special?”
Santa asks and the boy looks at Santa with a “really” look plastered on his face.
“Are you serious?”
“Very serious. I could take him.”
Santa states and the boy lets out a great big laugh.
“Santa, he would use to force to break your turkey neck.”
The boy says as he slowly brings his hand up before he clinches it into a fist.
“Well he might have the force but I have Christmas magic on my side and nothing can compare to Santa and Jesus power.”
Santa informs the boy who laughs.
“Whatever you say Santa. Besides the force, Ren commands an army of thousands led by Captain Phasma. So how can you stop that?”
The boy asks curiously.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. Why need thousands when only nine will do!”
Santa shouts with joy.
“Maybe you’ve heard of them? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and their leader, Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.”
Santa informs the boy who laughs once again.
“You’re telling me an army of reindeer can defeat the dark side?”
“Of course because good always triumphants over evil.”
Santa says with a huge grin.
The boy says as Santa senses the disappointment coming from the boy that his hero isn’t as great as he thinks he is.
“Here, this is for you.”
Santa says as he pulls a gift from his sack and gives it to the kid.
“The hell is this?”
The boy asks looking down at the action figure.
“That is a Wrestle UTA series two Eric Dane action figure complete with world championship.”
Santa says as he points to the figure.
“You see, Mr. Dane here thinks he is the baddest man in the entire galaxy. He’d call your buddy Ren a sissy and deem him unworthy because he’s the pantheon of everything.”
Santa informs the boy.
“So what makes this Dane guy so special?”
The kid asks curiously.
“Well he is the champion of the galaxy which is a very prestigious rank in the Order of Superstars, and he takes out his rivals with the deadly Stardriver.”
Santa informs the boy who’s ears perk up when he hears the name Stardriver.
“Stardriver…..is that like the Death Star?”
The boy asks and Santa nods his head yes.
“How does this Stardriver work exactly? Does it shoot a giant laser beam that blows up stars and planets?”
“Well how does it work?”
The kid demands.
“Well……Mr. Dane lifts his rivals up and…..”
The boy cuts off Santa.
“Lifts? As with his hands?”
The boy asks and Santa shakes his head yes.
“That’s fucking lame!”
The kid shouts as he takes the figure from Santa.
“How can he take on a Sith Lord if he has to touch them to defeat them?”
He asks curiously.
“I don’t know but he is the highest ranking member of the Order of Superstars.”
Santa reminds the boy who tosses the figure behind him.
The boy shouts as he makes his way towards the exit. Santa shakes his head and calls for the next child to tell him what they want for Christmas. This goes on for several more hours as Santa listens as different children want different things that range from a pony to a video game console.
Ashley the elf says to Santa as a little boy about the age of ten comes running towards him and hops onto his lap.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. What is your name little boy?”
“My name is Mikey.”
The boy says with a huge grin that shows he’s missing his two front teeth.
“And what would you like for Christmas?”
“I want all Finn Star Wars toys!”
Mikey tells Santa who strokes his white beard.
Santa says before leaning in closer.
“I take it he’s your favorite character?”
Santa asks as the boy shakes his head yes.
Santa says with a wink.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. You know what the good thing is about the Star Wars movies Mikey?”
Santa asks curiously and the boy takes a moment to think.
“The sound of the blasters when they go Pew! Pew!”
Mikey answers emphatically.
“Ho. Ho. Ho. That is a good thing but the best thing is that the movies are stories of redemption.”
Santa says with a nod.
The boy asks confused.
“Redemption is doing something to atone for a mistake or a bad decision. Finn was a Stormtrooper who left because he didn’t like the evil things he had to do. The same can be said about Han Solo as he was an amoral smuggler and killer by the way he shot Greedo first in cold blood, but redeemed himself to be a hero by the movie’s end. Anakin Skywalker is the greatest example of redemption as he turned to the dark side to save his wife from death with the ironic twist of fate being that decision is what led to her death, and after twenty years of ruling the galaxy with an iron fist he fulfilled his destiny by defeating the evil Sith emperor to save his son. Like Finn and Anakin, everyone can be redeemed Mikey, including this guy.”
Santa says as he reaches into his sack and pulls out a Colton Thorpe action figure complete with Wildfire championship.
“Who is that?”
Mikey asks curiously.
“This is Colton, and he’s a very special person.”
Santa says as Mikey looks wide eyed at the figure.
“Is he a Jedi?”
Mikey asks as he stares at the figure.
“Something like that. You see, Colton here has been manipulated and pulled to the dark side by the evil Emperor Defiance to help rule the galaxy with his evil Galactic Pantheon. You see, Colton should be embracing his destiny of fighting for the light and becoming the champion of the Order of Superstars, but Emperor Defiance tricked him by promising him expensive Star Destroyers, fancy black robes, and endless nights with Slave Leia.”
Santa informs Mikey.
“Emperor Defiance sounds like a big bully.”
“He is Mikey, but don’t worry because this Monday night Colton Thorpe will be redeemed.
Santa informs Mikey.
“How will he be redeemed Santa?”
Mikey asks curiously as Santa lowers his beard to reveal himself to be Scott Stevens.
“Because I’m going to help him redeem himself by taking away the very thing Emperor Defiance covets his apprentice having and when I do Colton is free to fulfill his destiny of becoming the Champion of the Order of Superstars.”
Santa says with a huge grin as the two look towards the camera and a flash of light is the last thing seen.
"I'm not a Savior or a soldier....I'm the Man, the myth and the legend."
- Chris Hopper