We open to the toasty view of a burning fireplace. Three stockings hangs from the fireplace. They each have one name attached. “Mikey, Mary Jane, Kendrix”.
The scene pans to the right and we soon realize we are in a plush home. Full of very large furniture, a ridiculous television on the wall, and of course a Christmas tree!
On the boob tube, gentle sounds of jingle bells and Christmas tunes play as images rotate on the screen. Oh look! There's Mikey proposing to MJ on live tv! There's Kendrix pinning Chris Hopper and retiring him forever! There’s Mikey tossing Haynes from the stage, and who can ever forget last Monday when the dynamic duo ended Dynasty and turned on Claude Baptiste Ranier. Good times!
A whistling can be heard. As we near the kitchen, we can hear the oven door open.
Something is slid out of the oven and the door is slammed shut.
Ow! Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!
The tray hits the stove top, just as Mikey comes into view. He is wearing a large set of red and green footie pajamas and a green elf hat.
What a character!
He spins and dances to the christmas music as he peels the cookies off the tray one by one. They slide onto the plate in a pile. Unlikely opens a cupboard and pulls out a clear glass, before filling it with milk.
Picking up the plate and the glass, Mikey meanders over to his desk. As we near we see already laid out is a very tan paper, pencil, and reindeer eraser. Sliding into the chair Unlikely sets down his snack, and begins to write.
Dear Santa Claus,
Christmas is right around the corner, and let me tell ya, I am very excited! I have been an extra good little boy this year! I've been on my best behavior, and of course I always try to help others! I eat all my vegetables and work out twice a day!
Santa you are my hero! I don’t know how you do it! You have the most incredible work ethic I have ever seen! People always knock on Ol’ Saint Nick, because they say he only works one day a year! I say nay!
Mikey shoots his hand into the air for emphasis that Santa will never see… or will he?
I always see Santa working! If he’s not at every local mall I go to, then he’s always on Wrestle UTA TV! Everytime he shows up, he does what people say he doesn't, he does his JOB! Now Mikey is never one to knock someone for doing a good JOB, In fact Santa, you may just be the best… hmmmm… what do you call someone always doing their JOB? JOBist? no… JOBinian? Negative. JOBber? Oh, I like that one! Santa, I give you two thumbs up for always doing your JOB! Fuck the haters! Know what I’m sayin?
Mikey gives two thumbs up and smiles at the paper.
I’ve been a good boy all year I promise! Even when other people were awful, and crude, and overall horrible human beings, I always did the right thing! Make no mistakes Santa, there were some murky situations, but Mikey always comes out clean! So with that in mind, let's get to what I want for Christmas! Are you as excited as I am?
He rubs his footy pajamas together with his feet excitedly.
First on my list, I would love it if you could get this awful, foreign, incredibly annoying Lisil Jamaican Perspiration Johnson off my back! Dude seems to be following me.
Creepy? Yes, but Mikey is used to it, he is a celebrity!
Usually the stalkers just watch from afar, and this man is growing increasingly violent! Last week he jumped through a table! It was insane! I tried to help stabilize him, but he was hell bent on jumping! Anyway, if you could get rid of that guy, I would appreciate it.
Mikey takes a bite of the burnt cookie, and washes it down with milk.
Next on the list, competent officials for my matches. How many times must I be disqualified, counted out, or “knocked out” before the world sees the injustice being done? How many times must a towel be thrown by a non participant and it end a match? How many times must Mikey be cheated out of MORE SUCCESS? Can you help a guy out?
Santa, I know that you know, that I’ve not had the best year! Yes, there were millions and millions of dollars earned, yes I got engaged, and Yes I wrestled in the biggest matches of my career, but here we are Santa, and Mikey isn’t holding any gold! Whats up with that? Every single time I get a title shot, what happens? Someone always gets involved. So for this Christmas I would like a title shot without interference! Send your magical little elves to protect me Santa!
I think we can both agree, it's been a bit of a fucked year for Mikey, and I deserve some nice shit!
Mikey puts the pencil to his chin and thinks for a moment before starting again excitedly.
While I eat my cookies and drink my milk, I cannot help but be reminded that on the upcoming Victory, you and I will be going toe to toe, in my first match back since International Affair! Now I know you’ve been on a hell of a losing streak lately, and I heard Jack Hunter fucked your bitch, but I wanted to let you know, I feel for you. It cannot be easy laying on your back week after week and losing, while the elves work away tirelessly in your little slave workshop! I’ve lost a bit too recently, even under some controversy! So let's take advantage of this momentous occasion.
One of us can make an impact on Victory, One of us can set our path straight. I respect you as a fighter, even though you clearly don’t work out, or diet, or even train for that matter. I for one am looking forward to the challenge of taking on the single largest member of the roster. A battle like i’ve never had before. A large task, no doubt about it.
Luckily for both of us, I already know what Christmas is all about, and that is giving! Mikey makes sure to always give time for charity, give time to the children, and of course give time to each and every one of Mikey’s fans! But, come Victory, Mikey wants to do a different kind of giving!
Mikey draws a present under the paragraph before continuing. He nibbles at his chocolate chips.
Mikey wants to give you something new, something amazing! Mikey wants to give you the kind of beat down that people talk about for months! I want to give you the beating of a life time Santa! I want you to never forget Christmas 2015, and I promise after you step in the ring with Mikey, all the joy in the world, won’t be able to save you!
You fat, judgmental, asshole. Who do you think you are? Who says that YOU determine what everyone gets? Who says that YOU get to decide between naughty and nice? Who died and made you king? Well in the UTA, you may come but once a year, but Mikey comes through 24/7/365. Don’t you know that Christmas isnt even about you? You spotlight stealing bitch! Wait…. is that you Thrill? Under that beard, behind those ugly glasses?
He contemplates to himself for a second.
I guess what it all boils down too, is that for Christmas, Mikey wants a fresh start. A new beginning, A clean slate. I want to make an example of someone, and thankfully the people booking the UTA shows, knew just who to put opposite of me. Santa Fuckin Claus.
Well Santa, I guess this is goodbye for now, or maybe “I’ll see you soon!”. Maybe’s a disadvantage that I get you just a few days after the busiest day of the year, maybe it's an advantage for you, I don't know! What I do know, is that after Victory, Christmas season is going to need a new mascot.
P.S. Tell Mrs Claus I said hello! She’ll know what it means...wink wink!
Mikey signs his John Hancock on the letter, and slides it into an envelope. He runs with the envelope and goes to the front door of the house. Unlikely slides the letter into his mailbox, raises the little flag, and smiles to himself, as the scene fades.