Title: The Feel Good Drag
Featuring: Mikey Unlikely
Date: 12/24/15
Location: Ball Room
Show: Victory XLIII

The scene opens to a fancy event. The enormous gold chandeliers hang looming over the entire ballroom.  Every man in attendance wears a full tuxedo, and each woman wears a long gown. Each table covered with white tablecloth and extravagant centerpieces.

It’s one of those ridiculous parties that cost more to put on, than the lamen man makes in a year of employment. That's a sad thing, but I’m not quite sure if it's sad that they make so little money, or that we blow so much?

Anyway…. The party is hopping! The camera spins around the room, sighting various celebrities and philanthropists. Randomly we can hear a knock on the microphone. Someone testing it.

V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you would find your seats our guest speaker is prepared to share.

In hushed tones the crowd moves and sways as people find the tables. Majority of the noise dies out quickly however their are always a gaggle of women who cannot resist the urge to continue talking.

V/O: Welcome one, welcome all to this year's annual Christmas Charity Event. Every year we take this day to not only get together and remind ourselves of all the good work that this organization does every year, but we take the opportunity to once again give back!

The people in attendance break out in applause before slowly dying down again.

V/O: Please welcome the founder of “Touching Kids Everywhere”, Mr. Mikey Unlikely!

The crowd stands in applause as Mikey himself walks onto the stage. The superstar is looking quite dapper this evening. Mikey smiles although it seems weak. He looks out over the crowd, runs his hand through his hair and breathes deep. He wavs quickly, and then leans towards the microphone.

Unlikely: Thank you everyone! I’m so glad you could all be here this evening. I appreciate each and every one of you taking time out of your lives to help others in need.

I don’t want to be here, all of you are a waste of my time. I wish I could just sign a check and be left alone.

He fixes his tie.

Unlikely: When I began “Touching Kids Everywhere”, It started out small. The more children I touched, the bigger it got!  Until finally we were able to establish this Charity drive.

I wanted to help, then you people wanted more, more, more, until I couldn’t do anything but start my OWN charity to keep you from opening your worthless mouths.

He takes a drink of water
Wishing it was scotch.

Unlikely: Now once a year, we are able to all share an evening of giving and selflessness! For once we can think of only others! I implore you people, to please reach into your heart as well as your pocketbook, and give with everything you can. For these children need your touch in their lives, they need to know someone is always there for them, they deserve to be happy!

The kids do deserve that...That much is true, but you rich, greedy, fucks, won’t give all you can… no you need your trips to Cabo, You need your yachts, and your cars, and your fat wallets…. wait, I need that too! Shit! Oh well, fuck em, wait till they see what I gave…

The people applaud loudly and audaciously.

Unlikely: Remember each and every dollar you spend on “Touching Kids Everywhere” will go directly to the child. We are 100% non profit with all proceeds, and have opened our books to the public to prove such. Unlike other charities that use the money to fund their own campaigns.

Because for too long Mikey was being cheated by giving to people who would donate 10% to the needy and keep the rest. Slimeballs. Now every greasy dollar you send my way goes to the kids, and I end up paying for shit events like this out of pocket.

From the left of the stage come two models, each one holds either end of a large covered rectangle. The walk in front of the stage, stop and smile as the camera bulbs go off.

Unlikely: I would like to ask that each and every one of you think back on the year that you have had. The impact you’ve made, and the the help that others have given you! Then return the favor by giving to “Touching Kids Everywhere”. In the back of the room is a box for your donations, please on your way out, or throughout the evening drop your checks into this, and all your donations will be processed securely.

Since I am the only one who will give enough not to be ashamed of, I’ll do it publically, the rest of you selfish pigs can hide your miniscule donations in the back. Now check out how much money I gave, bitches….

Unlikely: With that said I would like to present the first donation of the evening… On behalf of me and my beautiful fiance - Mary Jane…

I made all this money, and now this bitch gets half the credit, I can barely stand to look at her anymore after that shit that happened at International Affair…. It flashes in my head over and over again. I’m laying on the mat, held in a submission, screaming in pain...then it happens. From the corner of my eye I see Mary Jane. She’s holding something… a cloth, a towel… she tosses it over her head… I hear the bell ring, then darkness.

It’s the last thing I remember. When I came too they were playing Will Haynes music, but how could that be? I never quit… I never gave up!

He smiles at her on the side of the stage, she smiles and waves to the crowd.  

Unlikely: We would like to present this check for $50,000 to “Touching Kids Everywhere”!

And If you fucker’s cannot collectively match this amount tonight, then I won't be inviting one more of you aristocrat assholes to my events anymore.

The audience burst into applause and stand as Mikey leaves the podium. He smiles and shakes hands as he walks off the stage, he kisses MJ on the cheek before giving her a pissed off look and walking away. Everyone gets back to the hors duerves and their conversation. Mikey walks out the back door to the outside of the building where he undoes his tie, and pulls a silver case from his coat pocket.

I’m so glad I have this match coming up. All this pressure is building, all this backlash is wearing thin on me. I need to let out some frustration. Fat Jolly guy in a Santa suit? Bring it on… Can it get any easier?

Unlikely pulls a hand rolled Jay from the case and puts it to his lips. He leans against the cold brick as he lights it up and drags it deep. He releases the smoke, and sighs loudly.

Not sure how much longer I can live this charade. Maybe it’s time to move past it? Maybe its time to do what I want, instead of what I should do? Maybe it’s time for Mikey to only be about Mikey….

Well...and Kendrix. My bruvvva from another movvvva!

He smokes the spliff almost desperately.

I dont want to just win this fight, I want to beat the man to a pulp. Not for the fans, not to prove a point, just because… I need to. I need this Santa, more than you will ever know. I need to exercise my demons from International Affair, I need to exercise my frustrations from the following month of Lisil Jackson being in my face. I need….release!

When I hit Santa, I want to see Will Haynes, I want to see Lisil Jackson… I want to see…. Mary Jane.

He shrugs

Wow! Didn’t think I would hear myself say that…

He shakes it from his head, tosses the Jay into the alley, and walks back into the building as the scene fades away.


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