I don’t geek-out over too many things, but wrestling and coffee are definitely on the list.
Just like there’s a science to the perfect wrestling match, there’s a science to the perfect cup of Joe. And no, it doesn’t involve half a litre of milk, pumpkin spice, a galloon of tooth-rotting caramel syrup, cacao, juniper berries, oxtail, gorgonzola, or whatever else goes into your $15 Starbucks triple-shot mocha frappedoodle.
First, your bean game has to be on fleek. Fresh or die, kids. Hit-up your local roaster and grab a bag that was only roasted a couple days ago. Oxygen and bright light are gonna mangle your flavour, so make sure they’re sealed-up tight and not sitting in direct sunlight. Otherwise, you’ll end-up with rancid coffee, and nobody wants that.
Except Scott Stevens, probably.
Keep ‘em fresh, too. I’m talking about an airtight container: preferably a glass jar with a rubber-gasket seal, and don’t refrigerate, either. Those beans are super-absorbent, so unless you want your morning cup to taste like last night’s steak, avoid.
Don’t skimp on quality either. It’s easy to get snobbish with this, but Folgers and Maxwell House are for people who hate life. Don’t be a person who hates life, or you’ll end-up like Scott Stevens.
Robusta? Ninja, please. They’ve got that higher caffeine content to get you buzzed, but those harsh, nasty aftertastes just aren’t worth it. Arabica all-day. I’ll fight anyone who disagrees.
Grind your own beans too, kid. Don’t make the mistake of being pre-ground beans, because those shits start losing their flavour as soon as they hit the grinder. The best tasting cups are made from beans ground just before brewing, so sort your life out and invest in a decent grinder.
How about the water? Just as important. Don’t be a Scott Stevens and ruin your pot by filling it with tap water full of chlorine and other dodgy aftertastes.
Bottled spring water works, or better yet, get some carbon filters installed on your taps. You’re probably gonna hate yourself for doing so, but at least your coffee won’t taste like it was brewed in a dirty swimming pool.
Once you’ve got the water and beans down, it’s time to think filters. Again, you get what you pay for. Cheap-ass coffee filters make cheap-ass coffee, so make sure your papers are oxygen-bleached or dioxin-free.
If you’re feeling really swank, get yourself a nice gold-plated filter. Pretty expensive, but if you’re a real coffee baller, you’re gonna need one of these. Scott Stevens probably can’t afford one.
Most importantly of all, though: watch your temperatures. Coffee made with boiling water = burn-ass beans = bitter-ass coffee. Ain’t nobody get time for that, except Scott St—you get the idea.
Take that H2O off the heat about 45 seconds before it hits the boil. A good coffee machine should regulate this, but if you’re using a kettle, you gotta be careful.
If you’re going down the French press route, rinse that sucker out with warm water first, then scoop the grounds in, and submerge. Stir ‘em for about thirty seconds, then put the lid on and let that coffee brew. 4-6 minutes later, push down on the plunger, grab a mug, and enjoy.
Milk? If you’re a girl, sure.
Sugar? Get the hell out of here.
Follow the above guidelines to a tee and you’ll never want to add anything to your thick, black nectar ever again. I promise you.
That’s how I like my coffee.
Scott Stevens probably drinks instant.
Anyway, I have a wrestling match with Eric Dane and I am going to win because I’m very good at making coffee. Yes.