[What’s this now?]
[Somebody call Ashley, we’re about to drop some OLD SKOOL FLAVA!]
[Fade this motherfucker all the way up.]
[The UTA logo is emblazoned across a huge wall-hanging banner. On either side of it stands a proud, if fake, ficus tree. The one on the left looks significantly healthier.]
[Nevermind that as I said, they’re both fake.]
[Bobby Dean strides out into the scene from stage right.]
Hi! I’m Bobby Dean!
[Yes, Robert, we’ve established that.]
You may remember me from such antics as driving a golf cart as the laughing stock of the WTFC, wrestling in butt-floss even though I weighed over five-hundred pounds at the time, appearing in more embarrassing commercials than I have fingers to count…
[Momentarily, Bobby’s eyes go crossed.]
Uh… wait? Where was I?
[He takes a moment to shake loose the cobwebs, his wonderously perfect hair cascading to and fro, and all is lost on him.]
[For a moment.]
So anyway, I’m here for my boss, Eric Dane, who says and I quote “Tell those cocksuckers to eat my fuckin’ dick, I’m not doing promos this week.” He was very specific.
[Bobby goes digging into the inside pocket of his finely tailored, if not as finely as his bosses, three piece double-breasted suit coat. He retrieves what looks like note cards.]
Look, I have note cards!
[If I had eyes and weren’t a set of brackets, I’d roll them.]
“Cayle Murray is a pussy, that is all.”
[Bobby flips a card.]
“Sean Jackson is a joke, and the punchline comes at All or Nothing.”
[He flips another card.]
“Everybody else is worthless except for Cecilworth Farthington, who is worth upwards of eighteen dollars. Speaking of ol’ Farty, whoever walks out of Ace in the Hole with that briefcase had better get used to the idea of physical therapy, because I’m going to focus my efforts on that person until they forfeit the briefcase or are forced to leave the business due to injury.”
[That was like, I dunno, three cards. I’m not paying attention.]
“Bobby, don’t read this one out loud. Don’t bring up the whole Colton Thorpe thing, I’ll address that personally inside of the ring at Victory- ”
I wasn’t supposed to read that one! Oh well, no harm done, right? Anyhow there were a whole lot more things that I was supposed to say but I’m not so good with writing notes or really paying attention much. I’m good at squashing people. Also I’m a phenomenal chef, you should try my Beef Wellington!
[Awkwardly he jabs the note cards back into his pocket.]
Welp, that’s pretty much all I got. I guess I should say something about something, or something, but I’m not really on the roster anymore, so…
[The camera lingers. Bobby does a very small, reserved version of the pee-pee-dance before dashing off screen, back to wherever he is when I don’t need him as a means to an end.]
"That's the beauty of it, it doesn't do anything!"
- Cecilworth Farthington