I’m getting a little bit better, thank you for asking. I know you were all worried about my health and the well wishes were piled up to a mountain level of height.
But today we’re not wanting to talk about me. No, no, that just won’t do. You are here for fun and fun you shall have. FUN WITH FARTHINGTON!
Yes. You heard me correctly. FUN. WITH. FARTHINGTON.
How much fun?
Well, as we join our dear hero, he is riding a rolleycoaster. Why is he riding a rolleycoaster? Because they are better than teacups, THIS IS A FACT. Also he’s tall enough to ride the fun rides for cool dudes with bad ‘tudes.
I cannot stress this enough, rolleycoasty is much better than teacuppery.
We zoom in the adorable little face of our hero as the ride begins its climb. We can see his little cutie pie face due to the power of the GoPro. GoPros: For When You Want To See People's Faces Doing Fun Things.
Farthington: So, I understand that I, the Grand General of Wrestling Shows have been given orders to show up to this Victory show for jerks and losers and loser jerks. These loser jerks are no Farthingtons, I can tell you that for sure. Well, actually I can’t tell you that for sure, my father, the grand Lord Farthington really got around a lot. A real poon hound.
Cecilworth cranes his neck around, taking his view in.
Farthington: Is that the right term? Poon hound? Can I say poon hound on television? I mean I make the rules, so I suppose I can really do what I want in the broad scheme of things. Now, I want to talk about this Acehole match that seems to be going down on the mean streets. The kind of streets so bad, you’d see a man named Dreamer trying to groom young children.
A little bit more of a climb, Cecilworth joyfully claps his hands against his chest. He’s having fun.
Farthington: You see, this roller ride that coasts, it’s a lot like the Acehole match when you think about it. People climbing upwards towards the sky, excitement building in their lil ole tummy’s as they anticipate that tantalising moment when the ecstasy and joy wash down upon them. For men like CBR though, the joy will turn to projectile vomit due to the large meatball sandwich they ate prior to the ride.
Cecilworth gestures with his thumb over to the person seated next to him. We gives a mild lean and we see Uncle Barty looking a little bit wide eyed and pale. Not just normal English gentleman pale, somehow worse.
Barty: Are you sure we need to do this young master?
Farthington: Barty, this is the best metaphor ever and we really need to commit to it.
Barty: Did I really need to eat the whole sub?
Farthington: The sub is integral to the whole message.
Barty takes a deep breath in and almost tries to force his recently consumed meal down his stomach.
Farthington: Now as I was saying, the man with a belly full thinks that making the climb is the smart thing to do. It’ll be something of an adventure. Actually… excuse me for a second…
The rollercoaster reaches the peak and Cecilworth takes a quick peek over the edge. Look at that, both uses of the work peak! So fancy.
Farthington: Watch what happens now.
The camera switches to a long shot as the ride begins its high speed drop, reaching speeds upwards of a lot. For the first few seconds, you hear the merry yelps of our Farthington lad but a few seconds later, the camera picks up a trail of projectile vomit spewing forth.
The camera cuts back to the GoPro and we see an ecstatic Farthington giving a big thumbs up he leans his poor Uncle into shot, who appears to be covered head to toe in his former meatball sandwich remains. Turns out when traveling at high speeds, vomit can fire back into your face. It’s really quite unpleasant to think about. Barty looks out cold.
The camera switches again to show a wide shot of the carriage wizzing up and down and all around. Yelps of true joy still emanating from the fancy lad from Buckinghamshire. As the ride approaches the end of the line and returns back to its home, we switch shot again to see Cecilworth and Barty arrive to a round of applause from the park staff.
Farthington: Thank you, thank you.
Cecilworth gives a bit of a regal wave and then looks over at his uncle.
Farthington: ...maybe you guys should get a medic.
As the staff rush to attend to his passed out and vomit clad uncle, Cecilworth unbuckles himself, leaps up out his seat and begins to walk towards the camera, the camera tracking back as he slowly moves forward.
Farthington: You see, I have an iron stomach, for I too… ate a meatball sandwich.
Cecilworth makes a “dun, dun, dun” noise with his mouth hole.
Farthington: The twist that no one could have seen coming. Like when it turned out that Bruce Willis was Slimer the whole time. Yes, I, Cecilworth Farthington am the man to swallow danger, climb to the top and live to tell the tale. Not to say my dear Uncle Barty is dead… it’s just… look, this was a very expensive metaphor so please forgive the gaps.
The camera quickly pans to show the rest of the ride was full of empty seats before it pans back to Cecilworth.
Farthington: Men like Scott Stevens, that midget who dresses like a spearmint, CBR, John Kennedy, Sexy Cowboy Ron Paul… they all have stuffed their bellies full of meat and sauce. They’ve jammed it all in there until they couldn’t eat no more. Yum, yum, yum they said, please give me more meatballs. I heard them say that at a press conference. They play the hero, they think they can all survive the drop.
Cecilworth gestures backwards to his Uncle Barty who is now being carted away on a guerney.
Farthington: They’re faking it though, they’re not Farthingtons… well I mean my Uncle IS a Farthington… okay I know this getting confusing, just stay with me here. These men, they pretend they have the iron stomach, they talk big as they eat up their delicious meals. They say they’re climb to the talk, that they will be victorious, that they can ride the coaster. Yet they are all pretenders. They are all Bartys. They look good, they think they can survive the ride but in the end, they all end up covered in their own excrement.
Cecilworth takes a quick look back as Barty slowly gets wheeled down the stairs, his head thunking off the backboard on each step.
Farthington: I am Cecilworth Farthington, iron of stomach, iron of will. I am a man driven by a passion, I survived the drop, the survived the twists and turns and flips and flops because I know what is truly on the line. What is on the table is the biggest opportunity of my career. I may be a man of power and wealth beyond some of your most mediocre dreams but I have never came close to claiming a SECOND briefcase before. Now, I am so close, I can taste it.
Cecilworth balls up his fist and burps a little into it.
Farthington: Well, I think I can taste it, it might actually be acid reflux now that I think about it. Still, that’s not the point…
Cecilworth straightens himself up and stares right down the camera hole with a look of determination.
Farthington: Gentlemen, this Monday at Victory, you best all get ready…
The camera dramatically zooms into Cecilworth’s face.
Farthington: I’m Cecilworth Farthington and I am here to claim my birthright. The Acehole Briefcase. It will be mine. I will add to my collection. None of the Bartys will stop me. None of you.
"Life is like a box of chocolates... especially if someone shits in your box."
- Shawn FX